finals are almost here and that means summer is gonna finally start for me! im kinda sad today is bruce's last day staying over. hes seriously such a great guy. such a good personality. hes the kinda guy i would bring home to my grandma. lol hes like seriously perfect all around. anyways. today as i was typing something. i a big fat BLACK SpideR fell onto of my paper. i tried to kill it but then it kept crawling away and then it crawled on me so i screamed like crayz. really loud. it really startled me.. not like i was scared to kill it but it startled me u kno? and then so i kept missing it and throwing it off me.. and then i couldnt find it and i was like sweating and turning red. and syd and bruce come to my rescue and im like on the ground with my thong ridin my ass butt crack showing and all with my head to the ground looking for the dumb thing. and then it jumped on me again and i started screaming. lol it was an eventful night. i couldnt go to sleep so i had to come online to talk to people. and now im updating. i think my bf and i are gonna break up. the people that ive told so far are like so bummed out bout it but i dont think it has hit me yet. its been like so freaken long that i cant even picture myself without him but then i do feel more distant from him recently that its prolly the same as if we would break up. he's leavin to london anyways so it'll give me time to think. but right now i really dont think i want to be with him. ok well i went thru my whole plan. i wanna get married when im 25 (kinda old but that will have to do with the rate my cousins are going) and i would want an engagement of 1 year (maybe even 1.5 kuz i wanna plan a really really big wedding need as much time as possible) andi would have want to be with my husband (like going out) for at least 3 years. so THAT MEANS i have to meet my future husband NOW. lol even tho i do wanna be w/my bf now i dont thikn i wanna marry him. we're too different. hes too asshole like and im too bitchy. it doesnt work both ways. hes too laid back that hes always in trouble and falling behind somewhere. and i always have to double stress for him. and like theres the age difference and the whole he likes this and i like the TOTAL opposite. anyways hes driving me crazy. people say that its bc we've been going out for like 4 years that like im gettin scared kuz im like commitment phobe. I DONT THINK SO. i think im ANNOYED and TIRED.. and some say its bc i wanna date ______ which btw is really handsome. that sexy thang.. but no. i really dont think i can feel the way i feel for anyone the way i feel for babe. its like the REAL thing and its really something i dont want with him. its kinda mean but i do not wanna marry him. i do not wanna move in with him anymore. i dont want kids with him or anythig. i dont mind being togehter but i do not want that stuff with him. and to have a big ass wedding and kids is seriously prolly the most important thing to me.. and gettin it done by 25 is a major plus. yea i really dont want to marry him. i just have to keep saying that.. i really dont want to marry him.